As I lay here on my business class flight to Japan, digesting my 2 mimosas, ahi tuna appetizer, Thai coconut chicken that i ordered off a menu, my ice cream sundae AND cheese cake (because I just could decide between the two, I realize…
….it’s really hard to write laying completely flat. Yeah, my seat lays completely flat at the press of a button. Ok, I’m done rubbing it in.
I started Before You Die Guy to help show that there is nothing special about me that affords me an opportunity to travel more than others—in other words, if I can do it, anyone can do it. But on this flight I’ve been overwhelmed with the feeling of “Wow, not everyone can do this and I am SO lucky to be able to.” So here is the story of an economy traveler who weaseled his way into the comfortable lap of luxury without spending $3,000 (like the guy next to me). This is a firsthand account of the forbidden bathrooms and the free flowing champagne that lurks behind the us and them curtain on commercial flights.
I keep feeling like I’m going to get sent to the back of the plane where I belong, but I actually get to be up here because of a standby ticket. I have an uncle who flew as a pilot for United Airlines for 25 years. You could make the case that HE has earned a lifetime of dirt cheap worldwide travel in premiere cabins, but I haven’t earned that. My uncle just likes me. And he trusts me enough not to abuse the privilege.
Flying standby has rules—there’s a strict dress code for standby travelers. Men have to wear a collared shirt, slacks, dress shoes. Women have a dress code too. I once saw a very elegantly dressed woman flying standby from Hawaii and she was refused boarding for wearing open toed sandals. And you can’t change into something more comfy when you get on the flight. Try a maneuver like that and they can strip the employee of their benefits! The idea is, they don’t want someone that just paid $4,000 bucks to have to sit next to some degenerate hobo like me that scored some cheap tickets. So I think of the dress code as a disguise—of course, I think the person next to me may have figured me out because he took one look at me and raised the partition between our seats. But the point is, they want you to at least dress like you belong in first class.
As a standby passenger, you have the lowest status, meaning everyone gets on before you and they only assign you a seat if there is space available on the flight. So can be a really stressful way to travel. Employees actually have access to see how may seats are available in each cabin to give a decent idea of if you’ll get on or not. The worst I ever had was 3 full days hanging out in the airport before finally getting on. As my aunt says, “It’s the price you pay, for the price you pay.” And in my case, for my first class ticket to Japan, that price was $33 roundtrip. I spent more than that just getting to the airport. So there’s a reason people are willing to put up with the rules!
Every time I go to the bathroom, I can’t stop laughing—like I can’t believe that I’m actually experiencing this! 1st off, I’m used to boarding the plane then taking off immediately after, that’s because I’m always in boarding group 6 or group E, but when you board in 1st class, it feels like mechanical problems on the plane or something because it takes like 30 minutes to actually board everyone. But that time flies since champagne and Bloody Mary’s are tray passed immediately. There was a little gift waiting on my seat full of travel essentials like lotions, eye mask, and slippers. The stewardess sought me out by name to take my menu order. It doesn’t take much pampering to believe you’re actually deserving of the royal treatment, which is why I had to constantly put my feet on the floor to check back into reality.
Lunch was insane, a beautifully presented seared ahi tuna with a fresh asian salad, followed by an udon noodle with lime coconut chicken that was so good! Mind you all of this is served on a tray with a real plate, metal cutlery, real salt and pepper shaker.
I was still wiping my mouth from my last bite of noodles when they came by with an ice cream sundae desert cart full of fudge sauce, caramel, cherries, whipped cream- the works. And in case one a calorie mountain of fat and sugar doesn’t satisfy, they also have an assortment of cakes, tarts, fruits, and cheeses. I had the cheesecake, which was probably excessive, but it paired so nicely with my port wine.
It’s silly that such every day ordinary things like eating off a plate, with a metal fork, and having a cup of ice cream after a meal are so special when you’re flying, but all it takes is one peak out from this side of the curtain at the tired, cramped, middle seaters in the back on the same 11 hour flight as me to know, Yup, I’m pretty lucky to be up here.